FCC Mandates Every Station Air Nightly Broadcast Of ‘The President Trump Happy Fun Variety Hour’

U.S. — Effective immediately, every television station will begin airing a nightly broadcast of The President Trump Happy Fun Variety Hour, as mandated by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC).

Pitched following the sudden indefinite removal of Jimmy Kimmel Live! from the air, the president’s new variety show was announced as part of plans to promote freedom of speech with a government-mandated entertainment program where anything goes.

“We had nothing to do with the firing of Jimmy Kimmel, but you can’t expect us to sit around and not take advantage of it,” FCC Chairman Steve Combs said. “That’s why, with the president’s approval, we’ve decided to put together a late-night variety program featuring government-approved acts.”

The President Trump Happy Fun Variety Hour was set to air its first episode Thursday night, surprising millions of Americans who would be tuning in for other broadcasts.

“We’re going to have a great show for you tonight. Just a tremendous show. Maybe the best ever,” Trump said during the taped show’s opening monologue. “We’ve got some terrific acts lined up for you tonight, and JD Vance is here! Little JD, I call him. But seriously, he’s doing a great job. Just adorable. We’ve also got Kid Rock, a mariachi band, and a monkey. You gotta have monkey.”

At publishing time, the White House announced that President Trump had successfully paid off the national debt with lucrative advertising deals he negotiated for the show.